Written Contusions

I am at a crossroads right now. My life is running a little bit crazy at the moment and it is time for me to make a radical change. Work is not doing well. My creativity has stopped flowing, and cash is running short right now.

Due to the economic crisis, my company is planning to cut back on our retainer's fee. Since we follow the American school year, we are facing the summer term and our service, tutorials, we are not receiving a lot of requests for it. With the demand going down, the company revenue is dwindling, which trickles down to us. In my view, I need to get another job -- fast!

I have also stopped writing because of the constant thought on how to get another job and more money. I can't even elaborate on this aspect. I am so blocked right now.

Money, money, money! I need lots of it. Please donate! Seriously though, I would like to get some money so I can get back on track. I am starting to pile on bills and I don't want to be swamped. I don't want to beg and this is not solicitation. This is the least of my worries.

In a way, life is pulling me in different directions. The crossroad wants me to get a new job, write, and get tons of money. Hopefully, I choose the right way so I can end up in a place where every problem is solved.

I felt that the previous blogskin that I had was too commercial so I felt that I had to change. Looking at eBlog Templates, I found this new skin that I've seen a long time ago. I felt that this was the perfect skin for me because it is colored green and the menu for navigation moves around.

As everybody knows, green is my favorite color so I decided to go for this skin. My sister said that there's too much white space but no one can shake me off of this new skin. Perhaps, I would consider changing if there's another skin that tops this and is colored green.

In addition, I've been looking for a menu that moves so I felt that this was perfect for me. At first, I almost didn't take this because I couldn't figure out how to put my message box but luckily, I found a way around it. As I was saying earlier, I wanted my blog to look more personal so I don't really care if there's no ads.

Hopefully, my favorite color and the moving menu doesn't disappoint you guys. I'd rather share with you my thoughts and feelings in a way that would feature them. I wanted to tone down so I can have a more personal feel for my blog. I hope you like it!

To a lot of people, it seems to me that living a life of crime is an enchanting idea. I cannot deny that I also secretly desire it. Once, when I was terribly angry at a certain person, I imagined that I would pay a group of assassins to kill that person. Of course, I didn't do anything of the sort but the idea of assassinating somebody I don't like still comes to mind at times. Living a life of crime has intrigued me and my desire to be a gang lord has been fulfilled by an online game called Mafia MoFo. Through that game, I am able to release my pent up frustrations in life without hurting anybody physically.

Mafia MoFo is an MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game) that lets me live the life of a gangster. The goals of the game is to be the most powerful or the wealthiest gangster there ever could. In that game, I am able to do hurt a lot of people and get their virtual money, commit game crimes, and be part of a gang.

Although it seemingly promotes violence or criminal activities, it actually has some psychological benefits. Instead of committing heinous crimes, I am able to sublimate my destructive compulsions. Through sublimation, I am able to mask a very destructive behavior, such as robbing a convenience store, in just a click of a button. Clicking a button on the computer screen can be justifiably and relatively harmless.

In addition to that, I did not hurt anybody at all -- physically. In the game, I can fight with a person fist to fist or wage war with them using weapons and they will not ever feel any pain. Some would argue that their egos are hurt, but then again, they still go back for some more. Beating other players seems to satisfy my craving for destruction.

At the end of the day, I feel alright having to put up with people that annoy me. Instead of hitting a person with chair, I just click on a button and feel alright. I know that I will never be able to hurt a person and I feel that Mafia MoFo is the best way that I see on how I can be sane amidst all the frustration that the world can offer me.

Yes! It's another open letter. This time, Richard is writing this out of sheer desperation and frustration regarding the situation.

"Why did this all have to happen that I live in my universe and you have your own?" he asked as he sat in front of his computer.

"All I want is to be your harbor..." was the aptly playing song in the background.

He wanted to post this because you seem to be so near yet you are so far from his reach.

Everyday, he tries to elicit a response from you. He would always be the one to initiate the text messaging although he knows that there will be a danger to his sanity that you will not respond. Lately, you do but it seems that the happiness is too flimsy and fleeting to hold on to. That is what makes him desperate.

Instead of writing this for himself, I had to write this stupid letter for him. He is so frustrated that he cannot even touch his own pen to begin writing. I love his handwriting so much but it seems that you are stopping him from writing, from showing his love for you and most of all, from being happy. That is what makes me frustrated.

The song is now coming to an end as the speakers say:

"fear is the brightest of signs
the shape of the boundary you leave behind
so sing all your questions to sleep
the answers are out there in the drowning deep"

No! Another open letter for somebody who might not even care. Richard is pining away in desperation. He is twisting in frustration but the song was starting to loop back to the start.

There are just a few things that I hold dear to my heart. Among those things are rainbows because of the beauty, mystery and hope that it brings. If I were to whittle you into a metaphor, you would be my rainbow. Niji as the Japanese calls it. Do you want to know why? You are my rainbow because you gave me hope, you inspired me but most of all, you tantalized me. You still do, actually.

Whenever I see a rainbow, I feel hopeful. After a dark day of rain, a rainbow will appear and the sun shines brighter after. You appeared while I was in a rainstorm. Through the gray haze of memory, I can still recall you vividly. I can still recall our first meeting. Do you remember when we first met? Off course you do! We just talked about it one Friday evening. I don't know if I can safely say that I love you but I have heard someone say that if something is as heavy as love, the heart can bear the weight. After two years, I am still bearing it. Because of that, I am still hopeful.

Seeing a spectrum after a gray day is totally inspiring. It seems that my imagination is always up in the sky dreaming wide blue fantasies. Sometimes, it is in some forest, looking for some green epiphany growing from the underbrush. There are also some instances where it is under the sea, trying to fathom the darkest mysteries, reveling in the dark. You know those things are true. However, you inspired me to stay on the ground. You helped me come to terms with the gravity. You turned my insane imagination love the reality of life, which I loathed. To some, it may seem that you stunted my growth but for me, you inspired me to reach out to something that I brownly feared.

After all that I have said, all good and true, you tantalized me. You still do. When I was younger, I honestly tried to follow a rainbow because I heard from the television that there is gold at the end of it. I really tried. I don't know if you know the feeling but it feels futile. The harder I ran towards the rainbow, the farther it seemed to be until I tried to catch my breath and when I looked, it was gone. That is how you tantalized me.

Niji, I can still bear the weight of my feelings. I can still flit between fantasy and reality. I am doubly inspired What's more surprising is that I can bear the frustration of being tantalized. Why? Because as I have said, you are my Rainbow, held dear to my heart. I just hope that unlike real rainbows, you don't vanish when I am not looking.

I fear the reaction that this letter might elicit. Nevertheless, I will revel in the idea that I have said my piece.

I am so stressed out this week. Aside from the application that I have for the online tutor post, I've been feeling pretty miserable about my current job. Mostly because of the mess other people made that I have to clean up after.

I was so stressed that my mother told me that while I was sleeping, I tried to choke her to death. She just suddenly woke because somebody was squeezing her neck. It turns out, I was the one who was doing it. She tried hard to pry my hands off her neck. Luckily, she said I let go. The scary part is, I don't remember anything about it. Sheesh!

I am still in my literary slump. Still a blank page.

I am burning my lungs out... smoke... dying neurons because of lack of sleep. Broken hearted? Not really, not so much heart left in me.

After a very late breakfast of cornflakes and coffee, I decided to turn on the TV to watch anything at all that the boob tube could dish out and I saw this local movie called "Ang Cute ng Ina Mo."

The heroine said a line that touched my heart. One that makes me think to revise this blog to a lighter note; move away from The Devil's grip.

She said, "How do I compete with 20 years that we've been apart?" -- ok short background, she got separated from her daughter who was taken to Australia and she tried everything to get to her. Her daughter visited her after so long and she tried her best to compensate for her absence.

It's just amazing for me to think that after so long, she never forgot her daughter and after 20 long years, she still had the will power to say that she will try hard to make up for the years that she wasn't there.

Now a thought occurred to me. If you've been in a relationship and then another person comes along and says to you, "I know you've been with your (bf/gf) for (x number of years) and I know that is hard to compare to but although I know it would be hard for me to win you over, I will face that head-on." What will you say to that then...?

Oh no! When I woke up today, the glitch was still there.

Thank God the glitch is now ok. No more comments from me now. Just a sigh of relief.

its been so long since I last burbled here in my stream of thoughts. I am still wallowing in my own thoughts. drowning in confusion.

I've been monitoring my site for the last 12hrs and I still can't see my posts. I'm getting aggravated.　Ｉ　ｄｏｎｔ　ｋｎｏｗ　ｗｈａｔ　ｔｏ　ｄｏ　ａｎｙｍｏｒｅ．

There is something terribly wrong with my blog. I am not able to see my latest posts!

This pendant is due for a major cleaning.

My officemate JC asked me if I could scan this so he can have a design made for him to get this tattooed on his skin. My wiccan friends also compliment me whenever they see this around my neck.

I find that this pendant was really meant to be mine. There is actually a story behind this pendant.

One morning, as I was off to work, I felt a sudden attack of melancholy. I was sad all day, unresponsive. I didn't even pay close attention to what I was doing at work. I got easily irritated. Then, I was working as a recruitment associate for a big call center in Makati. I had to interview aspiring customer service agents and assess their communicatio skills and also check if they had enough smarts to talk to customers. I never thought that the simples question, "Can you tell me about yourself?" could actually spark so much disdain in me, depending on the answer. Hahaha!

Anyway, the point is all day, I was so messed up. When we got off from work, my friend Reva asked me how I planned to get home. I said I don't know and she asked if I could walk with her to Glorietta where she is meeting a friend. I said yes.

As we were walking in the mall, I saw this pendant and said I had to buy that. I didn't have much cash with me at that time so I decided against it. Reva's friend texted her and we went to meet her friend and we parted ways. Then, this mania came over me to go to all my bank's atms and withdrew all my money. The ending is, I bought the pendant anyway and it made my day.

It changed my mood from then on. So anytime I felt sad, I just hold my pendant between my fingers and remind myself how it changed my mood then.

The light of the moon is sometimes a burden that reminds me, Light is always heavier than darkness. Darkness always subsides whenever Light impresses its presence. Could it be that the new moon is affecting me? I am feeling a mean streak coming over me.

Two days ago, I got little stones stuck inside my shoe. It was uncomfortable. Every step, the pebbles stabbed at my soles and I felt the sharpness. The next day, going to work, of course I had to put on the same pair of shoes and I deliberately left the pebbles in my right shoe.

I had this notion that it will be my constant reminder that life is hard but we must keep moving on. With the same discomfort and pain, I went to work, finished my 10 hour shift and even went out to brunch with my office friends. Still each step was a tad painful but after a while, the little stones got crushed under my weight. By the time I got home, there was practically no trace of the pebbles that got stuck in my shoe.

Lessons in life can always be found in the simplest of things.

Here I go again with my incessant traveling on the web. I found this cool blog called http://www.todolistblog.com. I found it very personal but has a flavour that you would want to read from start to finish. I liked it because I felt the intensity. I found that only a few people have that kind of voice nowadays. Even I have given up on my delusions.

On a more pressing note, I just noticed that I am getting very depressed and neurotic. Stir-crazy. This has got to stop but I don't know how. Feels like the Blackhole is coming back.

This is the first time I've gone to work on a Saturday night. The call floor is as deserted as a sunken parking lot. The nearest person from my station is like 10 yards away. I can hear my own heart beat as I walked the hallway. The elevator ride feels odd enough to give me goosebumps. When I went to the lung center area to smoke, there was no one. It's not really that I am scared or anything. I have seen more things that other people won't even dream about. It just doesn't feel right. I even came close to the thought that I do not have a shift tonight. I so want to go home and just continue watching Supernatural.

When you are at that point where everything bad happens at the same time, it is so easy to falter. Let me recount my version of a bad 2 weeks.
1. I lost my phone. It got stolen while I was on a bus, sleeping.
2. My volleyball team lost another game.
3. My credit card bill is piling up. More bills are on their way.
4. I don't have money to pay for my bills.
5. I am still suffering from sorethroat. Got fever and cough too.
6. And you will like this one, Nov. 20, 12:32pm - Nov. 21, 6:30am, I hiccuped non-stop.
Can anybody beat that? Looking back at it, I just want to laugh.

After so long, after about 2 weeks of non-sleep mode, I was able to get a decent amount of sleep yesterday. . . about 5 hours of sleep. That's not counting the amount of time I have spent sleeping in vans that I ride going home. I feel so stretched, like butter spread on too much bread... de ja vu: I heard that from Bilbo in the LOTR. Hopefully this trend will pick up and increase my sleep time.

A lot of weird things happen to me when I don't get enough sleep. I perceive things in slow motion. Hahaha. I might be going crazy because of sleep deprivation. I haven't even finished reading my book.

I want this week to be done with.