Written Contusions

It seems like the Devil's Mirror is soon to shatter.

Earlier, when I was riding my homeward jeep, I thought crept up my tumultuous mind. Freedom! Beauty! Truth and Love!!! That was a line from the movie Moulin Rouge and it kept on flourishing in my minds ear. Since I was not able to shrug it off, what I did was to listen intently to what it was saying.

After each flourish of that line, I actually deciphered a message. "Smash the Devil's Mirror!" It sounded as clear as the humming engine of the jeep. "There is no room for darkness when the light shines even in the depths of your soul."

And then I said, "But what about the layout, the html coding, the wonderful skin the Devil's Mirror and all the other Devil's Implements?"

"Take them with the Mirror and discard them. Throw them off the Imus Bridge!"

As if dazed, I just realized that it was true. There was no room for everything the Devil had to offer on my little piece of cyberspace. In fact, it never was a recurring theme on any of my blogs. Thus, when the jeep was crossing over Imus Bridge, "Splash!"

I am getting ready for a big change.

I am still in my literary slump. Still a blank page.

I am burning my lungs out... smoke... dying neurons because of lack of sleep. Broken hearted? Not really, not so much heart left in me.

After a very late breakfast of cornflakes and coffee, I decided to turn on the TV to watch anything at all that the boob tube could dish out and I saw this local movie called "Ang Cute ng Ina Mo."

The heroine said a line that touched my heart. One that makes me think to revise this blog to a lighter note; move away from The Devil's grip.

She said, "How do I compete with 20 years that we've been apart?" -- ok short background, she got separated from her daughter who was taken to Australia and she tried everything to get to her. Her daughter visited her after so long and she tried her best to compensate for her absence.

It's just amazing for me to think that after so long, she never forgot her daughter and after 20 long years, she still had the will power to say that she will try hard to make up for the years that she wasn't there.

Now a thought occurred to me. If you've been in a relationship and then another person comes along and says to you, "I know you've been with your (bf/gf) for (x number of years) and I know that is hard to compare to but although I know it would be hard for me to win you over, I will face that head-on." What will you say to that then...?

its been so long since I last burbled here in my stream of thoughts. I am still wallowing in my own thoughts. drowning in confusion.

The light of the moon is sometimes a burden that reminds me, Light is always heavier than darkness. Darkness always subsides whenever Light impresses its presence. Could it be that the new moon is affecting me? I am feeling a mean streak coming over me.

Two days ago, I got little stones stuck inside my shoe. It was uncomfortable. Every step, the pebbles stabbed at my soles and I felt the sharpness. The next day, going to work, of course I had to put on the same pair of shoes and I deliberately left the pebbles in my right shoe.

I had this notion that it will be my constant reminder that life is hard but we must keep moving on. With the same discomfort and pain, I went to work, finished my 10 hour shift and even went out to brunch with my office friends. Still each step was a tad painful but after a while, the little stones got crushed under my weight. By the time I got home, there was practically no trace of the pebbles that got stuck in my shoe.

Lessons in life can always be found in the simplest of things.

This might actually come to be a shock for most people who know me as a dead-beat homebody but I am set to move out of my parents house this weekend. I am hoping that I would learn a lot from this especially doing chores in the house. Hee hee. I am so unreliable when it comes to house chores for one very plain reason: I know that there would be somebody in our house that could do a certain task for me.

I have been walking around for about a month now in a daze. Every step falls hard and heavy. Treading deeper and deeper into the depths of dream and fantasy.

I saw Charlie's Angels last night and I felt the sea calling me. I have actually noticed this during the past few days. I feel drawn to it and I feel that it has something to tell me or teach me.

I keep on seeing this image of a crimson sun, indigo sky, flaming sea close to the horizon, black sand and me, sitting on a dark beach, with waves washing over my feet.

Non sequitur: my friend Charisma asked me to write a poem about her. She says she'll give me P200.00. I felt flattered of course but at the same time, afraid that I might not live up to her expectations. She even gave me P30.00 as a down payment.

By the way, want to see how she looks like? This is Charisma.

Swirling water all around. How did the Titanic manage to sink?

More on this later. Let's leave it as it is for now...

I saw Jayvie last Monday.

I was at work and when it was already noon, I texted him if I could see him that night. He told me that he is not in ATC so there's no way. He was in MegaMall that day because their work assigned him there.

I told him that I will be going to him. He said yes and we met. He wasn't feeling very well that day. Inside the mall, he kept on complaining that he was feeling cold. When we were out of the mall, he kept complaining that it was too hot. He had mouth sores and had a slight fever. He wasn't planning to eat dinner that day but I made him realize that he hasn't taken his lunch yet so he shouldn't miss his dinner.

I was so glad to talk to someone.

I want to relax. Stop worrying. Hope for a good future. I know I am strong. I know I can triumph over these problems.

I was texting with Zed a few days back and while texting with him I realized that I am really hurrying up to get my goals done. I am in such a rush to get going and I am frustrated because I am not really getting to where I want to go. I feel like time is always against me. I feel I will not be able to live that long for me to accomplish what I want to do. I feel like this is my mid-life crisis.

It must be an anal-retentive symptom.

I am having problems living because I want somebody to love me now! I want to be rich fast. I worry too much about the future. My mind is always reeling. I feel like I am near point-break.

I am paralyzed by the future.

I am scared...

Lately, its been raining again in the afternoons.

I can't help but to cry... even though no one sees it, I cry oceans. I cry to drown out the loneliness. I am wanting someone. It all depends on me. Two nights ago, I went and cast a spell to suggest to him the possibility of us being together. I don't know if it was right.

I just want to be happy... like every one else.

I want a beautiful sunset in my afternoons...
and someone to lean on while watching it... holding hands, sharing hearts and finally, a kiss.

After swimming, I still feel my limbs are submerged in water. I still make treading motions as if swimming.

Without work, I suddenly found myself dealt with more free time than I can handle. I think I got so drowned in work and clinging desperately for good quality sleep that I don't know anything else besides those.

On a more pressing matter, I am faced with a debacle with money. How will I sustain myself during the transition state?

"Don't worry," says the Rain Child, "Water will find a way."

I've already updated my resume, submitted online job applications and now is hoping.

Here's a realization: I feel dry and barren.

Good thing I had a conversation with this individual that grounded me a bit. Thanks!

Slow but sure, when water flows or just even trickles, it can overcome any obstacle.

Last Saturday, I went to an outing with my friends. I arrived early and I met someone. At first sight, I fell. I froze and pretended to be nonchalant because I was so scared that if I made a move , I would be rejected. I just watched from afar the entire time.

At the venue, we were able to play in the pool together. The game was like underwater fetch where we threw a 25 cent coin in the water and we would dive and race to be the first to retrieve it. I was so happy playing.

Later on in the evening, we were just relaxing together with two other friends - lazily floating in the water. We didn't talk much but I was content just having him close to me.

Then, we had this activity in which we were given 3 lollipops. We were supposed to give them to 3 people we had a deep appreciation for or would like to know better. I didn't give that person a lollipop but I got one. It was actually more like its been shoved into my hand like a bashfull little kid but actually, when that person rose to walk around, my heart was beating furiously and I was feeling cold because I wanted to get one coming my crush. I thought that there must be something between us if it happened. I have shown a lot of sticky stares and gazes.

Still the day flowed on. Nothing happened.

I was getting desperate.

During the trip back home, I took the chance of texting and we didn't stop texting until i fell asleep and now, we already have an understanding. I am so happy.

Indeed, water always finds its ways to flow to the sea.

Lately the rain has been pouring hard. I feel sad everytime it happens. It seems like a thousand tears are falling around me. I feel drowned and soaked to the marrow of my bones. It does not seem to end - perpetual sadness.

Last Wednesday, after going out of the office, the sun was shining. I was almost happy. The sun, or maybe the rain clouds, were just toying with me. Dealing out false hopes.

Today, I have a date with a person who fell into my waters - broke up with his boyfriend so we could be free to love each other. Their love affair was not working out - like rank and brackish waters. I should feel happy but like my aquarium, I feel only half-full with water. I can only hope this will go well.

I talked to my friend this morning. I was apologizing because I got mad at her. She did not reply when I texted her yesterday. I told her that I was sorry I got mad at her. My tone would not have changed but she said in a very vilefull way that she was angry at me everyday.

That event spoiled my day today.

I did not expect such hurtfull words to come out of her mouth. I remember, she was the person who couldn't hurt a fly. Then, I told her that she has to stand her own ground and develop backbones. I think she finally did but with horns and spines attached to it.

I would have remained bummed but then I remembered what I said. I said:

"I hold on to things like Yggdrasil holds the universe together. Is it ok if I let all of my charges go? As I see it, I am juggling so many things, as well as people in the air. I have been doing this for so long and I am getting tired. However, when I stop, all of them would come crashing down. Is it alright if I let them all fall?"

I think the answer to that is yes.

Number 1

people now are very apathetic.



Number 2

I hold on to things like Yggdrasil holds the universe together. Is it ok if I let all of my charges go? As i see it, I am juggling so many things, as well as people in the air. I have been doing this for so long and I am getting tired. However, when I stop, all of them would come crashing down. Is it alright if I let them all fall?