Written Contusions

There are just a few things that I hold dear to my heart. Among those things are rainbows because of the beauty, mystery and hope that it brings. If I were to whittle you into a metaphor, you would be my rainbow. Niji as the Japanese calls it. Do you want to know why? You are my rainbow because you gave me hope, you inspired me but most of all, you tantalized me. You still do, actually.

Whenever I see a rainbow, I feel hopeful. After a dark day of rain, a rainbow will appear and the sun shines brighter after. You appeared while I was in a rainstorm. Through the gray haze of memory, I can still recall you vividly. I can still recall our first meeting. Do you remember when we first met? Off course you do! We just talked about it one Friday evening. I don't know if I can safely say that I love you but I have heard someone say that if something is as heavy as love, the heart can bear the weight. After two years, I am still bearing it. Because of that, I am still hopeful.

Seeing a spectrum after a gray day is totally inspiring. It seems that my imagination is always up in the sky dreaming wide blue fantasies. Sometimes, it is in some forest, looking for some green epiphany growing from the underbrush. There are also some instances where it is under the sea, trying to fathom the darkest mysteries, reveling in the dark. You know those things are true. However, you inspired me to stay on the ground. You helped me come to terms with the gravity. You turned my insane imagination love the reality of life, which I loathed. To some, it may seem that you stunted my growth but for me, you inspired me to reach out to something that I brownly feared.

After all that I have said, all good and true, you tantalized me. You still do. When I was younger, I honestly tried to follow a rainbow because I heard from the television that there is gold at the end of it. I really tried. I don't know if you know the feeling but it feels futile. The harder I ran towards the rainbow, the farther it seemed to be until I tried to catch my breath and when I looked, it was gone. That is how you tantalized me.

Niji, I can still bear the weight of my feelings. I can still flit between fantasy and reality. I am doubly inspired What's more surprising is that I can bear the frustration of being tantalized. Why? Because as I have said, you are my Rainbow, held dear to my heart. I just hope that unlike real rainbows, you don't vanish when I am not looking.

The inside of a deserted house:
from the window,
light illumines dust
settling to create a blanket
of forgetting over furniture.
Even if the air disturbs
the process, slowly
every particle finds its spot,
a place where it conveniently covers up
some distant memory - on a nearby table

a partial puzzle waits. One piece is still
a lost unsettled edge,indisposed.
The idea that it is the missing piece
completes its sadness.

In only one spot can the table top be seen.

Untouched, unfinished,
the puzzle succumbs
to slow forgetting
what is lost
while dust
fills
the
gaping
gap.

This is a poem I originally wrote on September 17th, 2003. I revised it after five years! It's been a long time since I last read this. I think I have forgotten enough of the emotions behind it so I am now able to publish a revision. Comments are appreciated, of course. Cheers!

This is from a collection called No End of Fun printed in 1967 and was written by the Polish poet Wislawa Szymborska. She won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1996. This was translated by Stanislaw Baranczak and Clare Cavanagh. I interpreted it as an ars poetica of hers. I would like you to enjoy this poem with me. Read it aloud. Read like you were reading it for a child. Do it in a made-up voice and don't forget to sip a black, hot, steaming cup of coffee along with it. Enjoy!

Why does this written doe bound through these written woods?
For a drink of written water from a spring
whose surface will xerox her soft muzzle?
Why does she lift her head; does she hear something?
Perched on four slim legs borrowed from the truth,
she pricks up her ears beneath my fingertips.
Silence - this word also rustles across the page
and parts the boughs
that have sprouted from the word "woods."

Lying in wait, set to pounce on the blank page,
are letters up to no good,
clutches of clauses so subordinate
they'll never let her get away.

Each drop of ink contains a fair supply
of hunters, equipped with squinting eyes behind their sights,
prepared to swarm the sloping pen at any moment,
surround the doe, and slowly aim their guns.

They forget that what's here isn't life.
Other laws, black on white, obtain.
The twinkling of an eye will take as long as I say,
and will, if I wish, divide into tiny eternities,
full of bullets stopped in mid-flight.
Not a thing will ever happen unless I say so.
Without my blessing, not a leaf will fall,
not a blade of grass will bend beneath that little hoof's full stop.

Is there then a world
where I rule absolutely on fate?
A time I bind with chains of signs?
An existence become endless at my bidding?

The joy of writing.
The power of preserving.
Revenge of a mortal hand.

For some reason, I cannot stop myself from thinking about darkness and light. Yesterday, I saw several movies on HBO and the opposition of light and darkness kept popping up and kept on grabbing my attention. While watching, I wrote some notes about the meaning of those two words for me but I will need to reserve those for another blog post. What I am really interested in posting today are some of my dark art.

The first picture is of me and the rest were digitally distorted through Adobe Photoshop CS3 Extended Edition. Thank you, CS3, by the way! Because of you, I was able to artistically distort my face and become a monster. Why a monster, though? Looking at the time stamp when the files were created, I found out that I was in the dark phase of my life. Except for the original, the other three were done around January 31st, 2008.

I don't really know why I did this set. I was just exhilarated to try out the CS3, I guess. Hmm, I wonder! Perhaps, I was just trying to concretize the idea that I had, or rather, a question: "How would I look like if I was a monster?" I guess I answered it in those 3 pictures, huh?!

Oh well, since this is just a randomly blurted posted, I will just finish it off right now. I now have to think of some other project to do or entry to post here in my blog.

How convenient for me the rain fell before your tears
affording me to share one last moment with you
under my umbrella.

Every drop, wet
dreadfully cold, taunting you to stay
under my umbra of tempting warmth and dryness.

Your vain effort to stop the rain from falling:
You reached out to catch a drop
on your palm. It still fell, heavy
embodiment of sorrow,

loss

-of the cloud that failed to hold on
-of the wind not being able to return the drops.

Words condensed on my lips,
waiting for the moment
when air gives way to thunder.

How convenient for you that the rain lingered on.
Every word that rolled off my lips
merely fell into the dark
glassy puddle the rain filled
to reflect my bowed head.

Finally, I managed to plead for you to stay.
You nearly did

but conveniently,
the rain went away.

(August 5th, 2003)

This was a poem I wrote way back in 2003. It was originally entitled, "How Convenient For Me The Rain Fell Before Your Tears," but it seemed to be such a long title so I decided to repost that as, "Convenience." As a project, I am starting to gather a portfolio of my works so that I can share my poetry with other people.

Last Monday, the moon was almost full and it was stained with a yellow tinge. I am not really sure if it was still waxing or if it was already waning. Nevertheless, it still proved to be one of the loveliest sights I have seen all week. Contrasted against the dark sky and framed in feathery clouds, it reminded me of a conversation I had with my friend, Jayvie. We were talking about how wonderful it is to be in the light once again. In retrospect, we both experienced dark times and he is so glad that we were both in the light once again.

Jayvie was saying that it is so hard to be in the dark. There, he experienced sorrow and loneliness. He felt he did not have any purpose or direction in life during those times that he called dark times. He absolutely hated the idea.

On the other hand, I felt, and still feel, the opposite towards the dark. I never really hated the dark. Even though we felt the same kinds of emotions, I have maintained a kinder attitude towards the dark. Although I love light, I have also learned that darkness is also my friend.

As I was telling him the other day, my life has always been a cycle of light and dark moments. One of my friends, Cace, told me that I am one of the few people she knows that radiates happiness and optimism even in the saddest or most desperate of times. She referred to me as the sun; this tag felt so relevant to me because under my star sign, as a leo, my ruling planet is the sun. Usually, I am happy most of the year but there are definite times that I really feel miserable and sad. Before my birthday comes, I feel depressed. After that, I usually go back to becoming a star for a lot of people but once December comes, I usually feel depressed again. This kind of cycle goes on year after year.

Even though I feel miserable at times, I never really hated the darkness. If I am a sun during my happy times, I have always thought that I was a black hole when I feel sad. I remember a few dark nights when I cried myself to sleep as I clutched at my chest, believing that there is a black hole inside. If I radiate with happiness when I am the sun, I tend to gain a lot of strength and power when I am a black hole. I guess, it is the idea that a black hole has a great gravitational pull that makes me feel and think I am strong and mighty.

During dark times, I tend to be more creative. I tend to make most of my poetry, although just in the literal sense: at night. I got to solidify most of my principles in life during those hard trying times. I guess, that was back in 2005 when I formulated my own version of the Golden Rule: "Hindi lumiligaya ang taong humahadlang sa ligaya ng iba." During that year, that was also when I got to pull some of my closest friends to be at my side. I got close to Vince, who practiced wicca, and we shared the power of our words. When I asked for advice from Vince, he replied to me in a poem and this is what he said:

Chad,
Hi! Don't feel lost.
Read on:
The light is never lost.
It is vast as the ocean
And we are its
children.
We swim in the darkness
While the light is on everyside,
Mothering us when we struggle.
It is not lost,
But waits to be
grasped
Recognise the love of it
Like a dew saluting the sun
In the
humility of the morning.
-Vincent Oliver

Although it took a while for me to be happy once again, that poem proved to be so meaningful to me that I was able to write a poem and make a whole new blog.

I guess I really need to fall into a cycle of dark and light. I need time to recharge my spiritual energies during dark times so that in times of light, I am able to shine bright, strong and true. I have learned to embrace the darkness as an integral part of life. It may be a cliche but it is true that a star can only shine in the darkest of nights.

As you can see, I have updated the layout of my blog once again. Learning adobe photoshop has helped me create this layout from scratch and I my newly found knowledge has helped me get back into blogging once again. Sadly, I feel selfish about this blog layout so I didn't publish this in Blogskins.

Thanks to PSDTuts for the wonderful photoshop tutorials. I learned a lot. I got to practice through their tutorials. I think it is apparent that the result of the exercises was a success. I will link them to my site when I get the chance!

It's unfortunate, really. I have been sucked in by a vortex of sadness and insolation. I have been in a daze because of the, so far, four deaths of people that are in my generation. I've walked in a contemplative and wary way because I had this irrational fear of death. I figured that if Death was already coming for a 20-year old boy, what would stop him from coming after me?

I'm already 24 years old. I smoke a lot. Wait, that's an understatement; I am a chain smoker. I get myself drunk with coffee, although I also occasionally drink. I don't exercise and I keep myself stressed for long periods of time. I don't really sleep much. Hold on. That's another understatement because I rarely sleep. I have all the risk factors.

I know I have to quit doing all those bad habbits. Life's too short to live waste on irrelevant things.

Before my birthday, I felt so sad. It took a while to recover but I now feel better. Remember, I was writing about my second job? I finally quit working for a call center. I'm now in a day job and I feel fine about it. Although I still can't sleep, I am very happy to just read essays and help students fix any errors on the text. I think this is the start of something good for me.

Life is being good to me right now. By the way, I just noticed that this seems to be a very long overdue birthday post. I'm sorry I am too lazy. Well, there's still time to change.

Recent events have led me to go back into a state that I call Solemnity of Reflection. Because of the recent deaths, the painful losses and the radical changes in my life, I have retreated into a state that calls for reflecting on my life that demands a moment of peace. This started when my friend JaGurl passed away and has been reinforced by the murder of my cousin-in-law.

Although I am really not silent on the outside, in my head, I am trying desperately to calm the raging thoughts. I think I have reached the eye of the storm in me. That storm that other people might call their thought process. I have been in this state for about two weeks now and I think the storm in me is moving once again. I can start to hear the rustling of my hair.

Realizing that I have withdrawn into this state reminded me of my experience with my friend Donna and her cousins. I think it was a few years back. I have graduated from college already but I still kept in touch with Donna. One day, we decided to go to a nearby mall along with her cousins while we waited for time to pass. We were planning to go to a local rockfest. While in the mall, her cousin Dareese noticed that her cell phone was missing. We alerted the mall security and we almost succeeded in apprehending the criminal but she got away anyhow.

At that moment, the reality that Dareese' cell phone cannot be retrieved has finally set in but they were still full of chatter. I insisted that they take a moment to reflect on what had happened but they refused. I guess everybody is just different but I wanted them to have the solemnity of reflection so that something good could come from the negative experienced.

For me, the worst thing that could happen at the moment of a loss or misfortune is never really the event itself. The saddest thing is that a person cannot learn from an experience like that. I don't know if this means anything to anybody but I wanted to share this anyway.

So what really is the solemnity of reflection? It is a time to stay quiet and be still. It is a time to think. A time to look at all that is around you. A time to look to the horizons that limit the width and breadth of the world you live in. For what? That is to learn from mistakes. To listen for a hidden message sent by the Divine. Find the meaning to a blaring alarm that the Universe has sent to us in the form of disaster or unfortunate event. I think that to fail to achieve that state would invite more misfortune and disaster because the Universe will not stop teaching us the lessons we need to learn until we stop and take it in. I realized that the hard way.

What do you call the son of your aunt's husband? I know I should be calling my aunt's husband as uncle-in-law. Does it follow that his son is my cousin-in-law? His name is Jojo. He is the fourth since I started this blog! Fourth what, you may ask? He is the fourth person who died since the creation of this blog. It seems that all I can blog about is the death of somebody around my age.

I really don't know why I am so high-strung regarding these deaths. Other deaths did not affect me so much.

Perhaps, it's because those who died were around my age. Perhaps I am realizing that death is always at my doorstep, no matter how young I am. Perhaps...

I can't seem to let the idea of death go. I can't really seem to admit to myself that I am scared. I can't seem to stop thinking about it. It's driving me crazy.

It seems that whenever I post here, something dreadful happens. This is the third time I am posting a death in my blog. This time, her name is JaGurl.

I knew her from work. Worked with her for 2 years. She laughed. She cried. She got angry. She dressed up, wonderfully and unabashedly flashy. She was a good friend.

I remember, distinctly, as if it just happened yesterday -- she was still alive.

One fond memory I have of her is when one day, we ate lunch in Chef di Angelo in Glorietta. It was not planned; it was just another impulse of the day. She was the one who instigated the whole trip to the mall after work. She had her camera with her. I wore a blue-green turtle neck long-sleeved shirt. She was trigger-happy with the camera. I was hungry because I couldn't eat too much within our shift; my shirt was body-hugging.

Then, lo and behold, JaGurl asks us to eat in Chef. I couldn't resist! It was one of the best restaurants, in our opinion. While waiting for our food, she took pictures of our group. She took a picture of the two of us because she said that my eyes looked so good. Apparently, she thought I had Spanish eyes; my eyes are almond shaped in reality.

The next day, she gave us prints of the pictures she took.

That was in 2006.

Now, she just smiles in my memory. In the picture she took of us, she was smiling. I was in my usual tempting aura. I was so fond of that picture. Now, I can't look at it without feeling sad.

Birds were chirping outside the window. I opened my eyes to cold morning light from my window; the curtains are being blown in by the cold November air. I yawned and stretched in my bed. The sheets felt cold although I have slept in my bed for more than twelve hours now. Wishing I had coffee on my bedside, I fumbled for my cigarettes. I always place them beside my head whenever I go to sleep. Lazily, I groped for my lighter. I thought I placed it near my pack of Marlboro Lights but somehow, they have wandered into the folds of my blanket.

Finally, after several tantalizing minutes of searching, I found it and struck to light my cigarette. Red ember and gray smoke filled my head. I looked at the wafting smoke for a minute and I remembered my dream. I was dreaming of a cave whose walls are encrusted with gem stones. Rubies, emeralds, quarts, sapphire, diamonds, amethyst and all sorts of colored crystals were all over the cave. They shone with an inner light and a voice was calling to me. “Save me, “it said and the cave walls burst into a kaleidoscope of colored light. One gem shone brighter over the others and I knew that was where the voice was coming from. At first, it came from an amethyst but when I tried prying it off the wall, the light died and went to another gem. It was like playing that game in the amusement arcade where you had to pound hamsters sticking their heads out of holes. After a while, I was able to see that the gem I was really looking for was an emerald, just above my eye level. I started scratching it out of the wall with excitement. It pried loose and gave a final burst of light. Relieved, I clutched it in my hand and when I opened my hands, I was holding a green frog, dead and cold in my hand.

I think that was the moment that I woke up from the dream. Sitting up slowly, I looked around. I had to get up and answer nature’s call.

Getting out of the bathroom, I noticed that something was amiss. The house was absolutely still. I was alone. Regularly, I could hear the hustle and bustle of the kitchen my mom maintains for her small restaurant just next to the house.

I padded downstairs to the living room. I glanced at the kitchen. I went into my parent’s room. I even tried my sister’s room although I knew that she has work that day. Nobody was home.

I turned on the radio and played my favorite CD. It’s a collection I made for myself so I can relax and go to sleep. I always had problems sleeping. But when I sleep, I sleep deeply and dream dreams that are always surreal or grotesque.

After a while of just sitting down the couch, I got tired of doing nothing and I decided to go to the nearby river that I always went to when I was a kid. I had good memories there because that was where my father and I bonded. Plus, I can even catch fish to put into my aquarium at no charge there.

Getting to the river bank is quite a chore. I had to walk first towards the hanging bridge already overgrown with vines. Sometimes, I think the steel cables aren’t really strong enough to hold the bridge up. It was just held taut by the vines. Crossing that bridge always gave me the exhilaration of doing something dangerous. It sways to and fro and the floor boards are so weather beaten that one wrong move might mean a plummet into the river, some 20 feet down.

After the bridge, I started climbing down the steep cliff where foot holds have been carved so people could get to the river. I always try not to soil myself whenever I go down there. This time was no different, I made a wrong step on a piece of rock I thought was steady and I started slipping down the cliff leaving a fury of dust after me. It was a good thing that I was on that one path were a huge rock jutted forward, making an overhang above the river. Otherwise, I would’ve soaked myself at that early time of day.

Dusting myself off, I noticed that the tide pools were empty. No water, much less small trapped fish or tadpoles swimming with naiads. A red dragonfly flitted past me. I followed where it flew and I was blinded by the sun, already halfway to the summit of its slow ascension in the azure sky. As my eyes adjusted, my ears also picked up the chilling cacophony of the cicadas living in the woods.

I started walking up stream following a stony path just a foot away from the water. The grass there were not green as it should have been for the time of the year. I found wrinkled and dried brown moss and they crunched beneath my feet when I trod on them. I hated walking through grass. I was not at all concerned with rashes that other people usually get from them or snakes lurking in thick tufts of grass. I was much more concerned of seeing a huge spider with long spindly legs. Good thing I didn’t see any.

After 30 minutes of walking, I reached my favorite spot. It was where the river grew shallow and water cabbages grew alongside hyacinths. I always thought that water cabbage flowers were prettier than hyacinths. I tried looking for a wide and dry rock to sit on so I can rest. Some of the rocks there were huge and a chore to climb on to but good thing the last flood turned some over that were flat and low enough for a person to sit on comfortably.

I took in the surroundings like a draught of cool water after being thirsty for a day. Water was trickling and burbling constantly. The drone of the cicadas still went on. Red and blue dragonflies skittered across the river. The hyacinths and pink water cabbage flowers called black and blue butterflies to them and occasionally, fish jumped out of the water.

I closed my eyes and I fell asleep.

This is a story I wrote some time ago. I thought I would post it here so everyone can read it. I hope you can make comments on it. Thanks!

Have you ever worked two jobs? This is the first time that I am to work 2 jobs and I feel mixed emotions about it. Up to a certain degree I am apprehensive because it would entail that I will have so much to sacrifice. However, I feel somewhat happy because I know I will be growing as a person.

I don't know if I have already posted it here, but I am currently working as a call center agent for a medical insurance. Actually, it's not medical, it's a pharmaceutical insurance. My shift starts 10:00pm - 9:00am every Monday, Thursday, and Friday; If it's a Saturday, it starts 11:00pm - 10:00am (those are in Philippine time).

Now, I've applied as an online tutor. The work hours are fairly flexible as of now, since I am still in training. I don't know yet how everything will work out when I go into it full time though.

Having two jobs made me feel apprehensive. First of all, it's because this is the first time that I will be juggling two major responsibilities at a time. Theoretically, in terms of schedule, I will not be having any major problems because of the predictability of my first job and the flexibility of the second job. However, I don't think that I will be able to handle the stress that it will definitely put on my body. As it is now, I can barely sleep because of insomnia. Even if that is the case, I know my body cannot withstand an extended period of sleeplessness. By the way I figure my schedule out, it seems that the only real time that I can rest would be my van rides to go to work and the trips when I go home. In addition to that, I will have Sunday all to myself.

Additionally, I know that I will still have to transition into the new job because it is new to me. I imagine that it might take me two to three weeks of adjusting before I can say that I am in my groove. Now this poses a problem in terms of salary because my tutorial job is output based, meaning, it will only pay a good wage if I get to make a substantial amount of tutorial. I wouldn't know how it will all figure in my budget yet. I guess I will have to cross the bridge when I get there.

Although I am feeling stressed about the current situation, I am also in a way excited to see how it will turn out. I know that the most I can get from this situation is personal growth because I haven't handled such an amount of responsibility yet. This will definitely force me out of my comfort zone and will also help me find ways of making my time more productively. I know I can work out a good schedule for myself. I just need to muster enough discipline to do a time table that I will stick to. In other words, I would only need to manage my time well and maximize whatever I will have left to focus on myself so as not to just collapse due to exhaustion. This is a reminder to myself that I would need to either buy a planner or make myself one.

On another note, but a major factor in my current predicament, I can say that my first job is actually very rewarding; I get to have three days off and my salary is also about the minimum. However, I feel that I need an extra source of income to bolster my financial status to say that I AM FINANCIALLY STABLE. That is one major reason why I decided to take this challenge. As I've said earlier, my second job is output based so it will be up to me how much I will be making. This means that I just have to do more work for more money. That is what I am most looking forward to actually achieve! My friend who already works there full time says that I can even beat my current salary by a mile if I set my mind to it. Hopefully, it turns out like that for me as well.

Since the pay will be output based, I know that I have to fully motivate myself to achieve maximum output. In terms of motivation, I could say that I do have a lot to motivate me. I have my 2 real estate payments to make, my credit card bill, my Internet bill and the money to buy groceries -- coffee being the top priority! And then, there's the additional factor of saving money for things that I merely want like a new cellular phone, a small notebook (I mean a laptop), and a digital camera for my beloved sister!

At this point, I can see that everything is uncertain. Anything can happen. All I can hope for is the best, really. This is definitely a big change. I know it is for my growth. Growing pains will definitely be there but at least I know I am evolving into another version of myself that can handle more responsibility -- a better person in other words.

I am so stressed out this week. Aside from the application that I have for the online tutor post, I've been feeling pretty miserable about my current job. Mostly because of the mess other people made that I have to clean up after.

I was so stressed that my mother told me that while I was sleeping, I tried to choke her to death. She just suddenly woke because somebody was squeezing her neck. It turns out, I was the one who was doing it. She tried hard to pry my hands off her neck. Luckily, she said I let go. The scary part is, I don't remember anything about it. Sheesh!

Hey! I've been busy applying to be an online tutor this past week so I know I will be very busy, busy, busy! I've finished my initial interview and my simulations. I've also done my revisions on the work I've been set and hopefully, I get the position. I can't wait to be employed there.

What they do is they comment on essays to help students rewrite them better. Isn't it neat? Hopefully, that will also spur me in the proper path to writing once again.

By the way, I am revising my older blog, Tales of the Wayward Traveler: The Devil's Mirror and the other Devil's Implements, so be sure to check them out when I am done. It seems that those blogs were never really me except for the times they were not yet the Devil's Implements.

Literally, I've thrown the idea off of a bridge here in Cavite and what a splash! Hahaha. Stay tuned!

It seems like the Devil's Mirror is soon to shatter.

Earlier, when I was riding my homeward jeep, I thought crept up my tumultuous mind. Freedom! Beauty! Truth and Love!!! That was a line from the movie Moulin Rouge and it kept on flourishing in my minds ear. Since I was not able to shrug it off, what I did was to listen intently to what it was saying.

Hello there! I'm taking a break from my usual blogskin-making mode today. I think I had too much to drink after 3 days of not sleeping so I have to take it easy today. Looking back at it though, I haven't drunk alcohol for a long time now. Two bottles easily made me tipsy.

Well, enough about me. I am actually putting a post here so I could feature my new found addiction, Maitri's blog called Magic and Moments from Dragonfly Cottage. Maitri Libellule is a writer, a pet keeper of all sorts and a wonderful gardener. I hope at this point, you have already made an effort to click the link already and has already seen what I mean.

This new blog addiction I developed started just a month ago. I was in such a turmoil, emotionally, then and I wanted to clear my head. I remembered that I went to this certain blog of a woman who had such a passion for her writing and also about life so I immediately used all my powers (meaning Google) to search for her blog once again.

The initial hook that caught me was her profile:

Maitri is a writer, an independent publisher, and a fiber artist. She lives with 6 parrots, 4 dogs, a beta fish named Vincent, and is an avid gardener. Maitri's work and life are centered in works of compassion and loving kindness. You can see the entire scope of her work on her 9 year old site, dragonflycottage.com. She is also currently working on a book called "The Road To Dragonfly Cottage," The parrots, pugs, big dog and beta fish will all help of course.

Her pets will help her in her work!!! What a wonderful thing to read on an extra sad day! So after reading that, I started inching my way through her posts. The very first post I read on her blog was Every Night I Go To Bed Laughing! which was about how her pugs cheered her up. Being a pet lover as well, I went on reading and the rest was history.

In my heart, I found that her writing kept my spirit still. Simple words and heartfelt gratitude to the many blessings of Life are the two best things I found on her blog. Hearing (or rather, reading) about what makes your day wonderful actually has such a powerful impact on the psyche that it can actually make other people happy. I've tried doing that in the past but sorrow has overtaken me yet again. This is a reminder to start doing a gratitude journal once again.

Additionally, her writing about her pets always has some happy factor in it that makes me laugh. Compared to Maitri, I am actually a cat lover but I still find her pug entries fun. Dogs still has some charm over me but I would rather prefer cats over dogs. Here at home, we also have some sort of a zoo going on. We have a cat named Doggie. My sister named her like that because my aunt called her Muning (Tagalog name for almost every cat a Filipino family could have). The cat recently gave birth so we also have 3 kittens. We also have a cage full of love birds (budgies actually). Then there are the 3 mynas (Sweetheart, Honey and Darling), the 2 cockatiels, 2 sparrows (I really don't know what they are really), the dogs (Taneki, named after one of my louder aunts who's nickname is NekNek; Aladar, yes from the movie Dinosaur; and Bogart; Seph, our german shepherd, recently passed away), the monkeys (Takeshi and Kail), my dragonfin fish (Jetsam), the goldfishes, and the hamsters. If you will notice, Maitri and I have almost the same number of pets.

Unfortunately for me, I cannot post the pictures of our pets here because I have a deadly curse that I couldn't break. When I take a picture of a pet, the pet dies. So sorry for not posting my pets' pictures.

And then, there is this little thing she calls her garden. Take a look at her banner. Maitri's house is so gloriously covered around with flowers! I love it. She also takes photographs of her plants. Her profile picture has one, if you've noticed.

The last time that I read through her blog was just 2 days ago. Sadly, her mother has become ill and considering her age, might not live through it. I ask that everybody pray for her and Maitri as well. Pray to give strength in this most trying of times.

I hope you are reading this Maitri. Hugs!

Good afternoon!

Wow! Look at me! I have made another skin in just two days. This is very productive for me, considering that I have been neglecting my personal blogs for a long while now. Although I post on them from time to time, I really enjoy writing here in my interest site.

I guess, the reason why I enjoy posting here is because I am a visual person. I enjoy looking at things presented in an organized manner. I prefer colors compared to rhymes. I even remember book pages that has a weird pattern when you look only at the blank spaces. Hahaha! Weird , huh? !

More over, I find it easier to do layouts instead of poetry or prose because it really doesn't take out too much of my energies. With skins, you just have to make your web browser follow your tags and that is it! Compared to, let's say, poetry, I would have to think about how to cut lines, think of appropriate words and maintain logic while whittling metaphors in.

*static in the air*

And I just thought of something.... Most people don't really read poetry. On a site, they just skim and skim until something catches their fancy. At that point, they begin to read. So I guess I just really gave up one passion for another.

Fret not my friends. The Language has not left me in silence yet. I still have the skills, it's just skins I want to do right now.

And with that, I leave you with my latest skin, Fantasy Love.

Skin peeling is always good. Not only does it shed your blemishes off, it also shows that everyday, we change, and mostly, it's for the better! Cheers!

-this is statement that is so out of line, I am amazed that I still kept it here.

Skin making. Sounds like something freaky and grotesque to me. Maybe because it reminds me of Hannibal Lecter and the things that he could do.

What I meant was how to make blog skins. On an earlier post, I have reminded myself that I would give credit to the people and sites that have contributed in my skin making activities so here's a quick rundown of my essential sites when I make my skins.

The following are more technical; these are my references and my tools when I am doing my html coding.

1. W3SCHOOLS - Whenever I have doubt about my html coding or when I forget what attribute to put in a particular css, I go to this site. W3SCHOOLS have helped me a lot to become the skin maker that I am. This is where I truly learned to write html and css. As I always say, "When in doubt, log on to W3SCHOOLS!"
2. Real-Time HTML Editor - This is where I usually do all my coding because I can see how my skin would look like instantly. True to its name, you will really see the codes rendering right before your eyes. But of course, there's the good old fashioned notepad-save-ie-refresh style but this site makes life a lot easier for me.

Onto the artistic side, meaning, where I get most of my background-images, buttons, gradients, etc.

1. Wallpaper Abyss - They say "Thousands of free Wallpaper[s]" and it really is true. How wonderful to see a dizzying amount of art all in one site. I give them credit for being able to compile such a wide assortment of wallpapers.
2. GRSites - If I'm looking for gradients, banners, fonts, buttons and background textures, this is where I go. I use this mainly because of how easy it is that I remember the site name and it's easy to navigate this site. In addition to that, storage of your logo or button can actually be done on site so no problem when you get the url for the src="" of your <img> tag.
3. flickr - For my images, I use flickr most of the time because I can easily get the url for the image I want to use and it has 10MB of storage/mo so I don't get into storage space problems.
4. Here's a quick rundown of my other image online sources: DeviantArt, Flaming Text, Cool Text, Google Image Search, Yahoo and all the other search engines out there.
5. For photo editing, I use the basics like Microsoft Paint and for major alterations, Adobe Photoshop.
6. For a quick and consistent color scheme, I always use the Palette Generator from Big Huge Labs associated with flickr. Although I didn't use the Blog Header from BHL, I would also like to recommend that for a quick and no sweat blog header image.

Now, onto hosting. Of course, I wouldn't have it any other way, I put my skins on BlogSkins and you can find me there. Be my friend there and let's help other people beautify their blogs! Blogging of course is done through Blogger, although you could use other free blogging clients like WordPress, Tabulas, and LiveJournal.

As I was going through my daily surfing I came across this previous work of mine. I think the image will say it all.

Here's another thought:

"You don't have the right to ruin my day! Only I have the right!"

Ok, so the impact is lost in translation. That quote originally was thought of in Tagalog so here's how it should really go:

"Wala kang karapatang sirain ang araw ko! Ako lang!"

As my close friends know, I am more of a sarcastic joker. Most of the time, I get to the punch line in the manner of delivery (so forgive me if it seems to be an arrogant statement).

Actually, this is part of my subliminal suggestions to myself to not be so damn angry all the time. Partly, also a reminder to everybody that we all have choices; a choice not to be let down by other people. In fact, nobody can make you feel bad about yourself or just about anything. It's only you who can ruin your day by letting other people get to you. So whenever people start bitch slapping you... you know the line to say and you know where you heard it from.